Dear Auntie Leila,
Thank you for your blog. I've been enjoying it for many months now, and am writing today for advice and support.
My family (my husband and our two little children -- and one on the way!) is about to put our home on the market. We will be downsizing from a large house in the suburbs to a much smaller house and yard. We will be able to pay off a big chunk of student loan debt, and I will be able to quit my stressful part-time job.
We will be much closer to my husband's work. We will save on utilities, and the kids will be able to walk to school. We will be getting rid of lots of our belongings in the move, and I'm looking forward to less house and less stuff to maintain.
I can't wait to devote more of my energies to creating the kind of home and family life I envision, and I believe that right now I am called to renew and re-imagine my vocation as wife and mother. I believe this change is the right thing for our family. We need our life to be simpler, and more focused on enjoying one another.
BUT. It's not an easy process. And I think our families are having a difficult time understanding why we would want to leave our "dream home." My mom, in particular, is projecting her stress onto me. ("I hope you can find the right house." "Are you sure you want to leave your job? What about your insurance and retirement?" "Where will I sleep when I visit?")
Do you have any advice for managing the anxieties that creep in when making these counter-cultural changes? And how to help others understand and accept/embrace our plan?! I've been praying to St. Joseph -- any other saints to recommend?
A Reader Who Wishes To Remain Anonymous
Dear ARWWTRA,
Thanks so much for writing. It's really wonderful to know that a young couple is taking these steps to prioritize and put important things first. You can't imagine how heartening this news is!
Of course, mothers can't help just being anxious. And, as you say, projecting.
Part of growing up is realizing that you can't wait for affirmation from others to do what you know is right. Or rather, as you have already done this, I should say that you have to accept the aftermath of this resolution, which is to continue to go forward without the nice pats that would be so helpful!
This is so hard, because obviously we are hard-wired to seek affirmation, especially from our parents! Our very lives have depended on it. But at some point, the detachment process has to take place.
{Sometimes, to give these anxious relatives their due, they are trying to convey something that is hard to put into words but is worth hearing, even if expressed in a seemingly unhelpful way. Just having lived so long gives you a perspective that is worthwhile. They don't want you to suffer, and they don't want you to make choices you may one day regret. They sometimes are able to sense danger while remaining incapable of expressing themselves without just seeming negative. It's worth it to try to understand their point of view before dismissing it.
But, of course, everyone's life has suffering. The important thing is to suffer for the right reasons! Better to suffer poverty than lack of love... but sometimes even mothers can be oblivious, just sort of reacting to their general feeling of anxiety.}
So you have to sort of examine this affirmation cycle and step out of it. You have to get your affirmation elsewhere!
We go to church and the priest tells us that being a Christian means going against the world. And we nod. And we don't realize exactly what this means....
Let time go by and be willing to wait for results. This is the virtue of longanimity. Not all problems can be resolved instantly or by talking things out or by making explanations. Sometimes the passage of time is what is necessary. After a year, five years, ten years, people will come to understand what you have done and why.
God bless you!
Leila
We go to church and the priest tells us that being a Christian means going against the world. And we nod. And we don't realize exactly what this means....
It means... what you are describing.
Just quietly doing what you know is right while those you love make things a little hard on you.
Smile and nod, smile and nod... sometimes you have to calmly say, "I know this is what is right for us." When it’s a loved one, you can say, “I am sure it makes you anxious to think of us seeming to take a step back, but we’ve really thought about it, and it’s what we need to do.”
Sometimes you can let your husband take the hit.
Smile and nod, smile and nod... sometimes you have to calmly say, "I know this is what is right for us." When it’s a loved one, you can say, “I am sure it makes you anxious to think of us seeming to take a step back, but we’ve really thought about it, and it’s what we need to do.”
Sometimes you can let your husband take the hit.
That's what leadership of the family means, by the way.
It's not bossing you around.
It's taking one for the team: "Joe says this is what we need to do." No more explanation. Mom goes away thinking, "My daughter married a jerk." Only, she knows you didn't and underneath it all, she gains a little more respect for him.
As to others, friends and co-workers, I do believe that having a positive statement can be very helpful all around, again, as long as you don’t expect immediate affirmation. People need to hear that material well being is not the only kind of good! “Be prepared to give answers,” as the Apostle exhorts us.
As to others, friends and co-workers, I do believe that having a positive statement can be very helpful all around, again, as long as you don’t expect immediate affirmation. People need to hear that material well being is not the only kind of good! “Be prepared to give answers,” as the Apostle exhorts us.
Can you detach the answer from your need to defend yourself, and rather make it into a little witness to the higher good? “We’ve come to see that right now we are being called to live more simply, and it’s worth it to us to sacrifice a bit now for later gains.” Wait and see if more questions are forthcoming. You don't have to explain everything, nor can you!
Many people have never heard of the desire to spend more time with one’s children, for instance.
They’ve been taught that children have to be handed off to others quickly, lest you become overwhelmed and incapable of achieving your goals. If you think carefully about how you want to state the case, you might find yourself in an interesting conversation! At the minimum, you might plant the seed of an idea, the fruit of which you may never see, but that’s okay.
Which leads me to another little recommendation: Pray and search for good friends who will be companions along the way -- understanding your goals, sharing them, working on some of them themselves, and raising their children with the same things in mind. These friends will stand you in good stead! Everyone needs friends who will encourage them!
Which leads me to another little recommendation: Pray and search for good friends who will be companions along the way -- understanding your goals, sharing them, working on some of them themselves, and raising their children with the same things in mind. These friends will stand you in good stead! Everyone needs friends who will encourage them!
Let time go by and be willing to wait for results. This is the virtue of longanimity. Not all problems can be resolved instantly or by talking things out or by making explanations. Sometimes the passage of time is what is necessary. After a year, five years, ten years, people will come to understand what you have done and why.
Or they may never understand, but you will be reconciled to the fact that their understanding was never part of your responsibility.
You know all this. St. Joseph is wonderful because he had to remain silent while people were all like, "Where did he go?" "He just up and took them to Egypt??" But time was on his side... I guess... even now there are many people who think it did not all work out as far as how Jesus ended up. Sometimes following your convictions means being misunderstood, more or less permanently.
For other saints: Click on the thingy on the sidebar here on the blog that takes you to the Catholic Culture liturgical calendar. Read about the saint of the day, and just keep on until you find the saint who appeals to you. The Spirit leads on that. And maybe our readers can suggest a good saint for you!
I would also recommend Joseph Pieper's Four Cardinal Virtues, which I didn't mention in yesterday's post, but wanted to.
You know all this. St. Joseph is wonderful because he had to remain silent while people were all like, "Where did he go?" "He just up and took them to Egypt??" But time was on his side... I guess... even now there are many people who think it did not all work out as far as how Jesus ended up. Sometimes following your convictions means being misunderstood, more or less permanently.
For other saints: Click on the thingy on the sidebar here on the blog that takes you to the Catholic Culture liturgical calendar. Read about the saint of the day, and just keep on until you find the saint who appeals to you. The Spirit leads on that. And maybe our readers can suggest a good saint for you!
I would also recommend Joseph Pieper's Four Cardinal Virtues, which I didn't mention in yesterday's post, but wanted to.
I can't tell you how much this book helped me. Knowing what each virtue is, how it works with the others, and how you can grow in each one, just appeals to the practical side of me, while also just being very philosophical. You see the good (Prudence), you master your appetites in order to grasp the good (Temperance), you give each his due (Justice), and you go out to meet the good with a right hearty will (Fortitude). We all need that last one: You see the good, you go for it. With the grace of God!
If Prudence is the Queen of Virtues, maybe Fortitude is the Army. Doing the good, not just thinking about it, can be hard!
Good for you!
Good for you!
God bless you!
Leila
